Pregnant stripper...not hot.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
