Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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