were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
