toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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