I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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