The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
