i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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