i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
