Can Purell be used as lube?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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