Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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