9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
