I can tuck mytits in my pants
just tell him i said nine months
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize