He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
