definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
