ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
