i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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