Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
