mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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