Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize