I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
