he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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