3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize