I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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