its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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