It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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