my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
