I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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