Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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