Soap is not a condiment
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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