Please, let me fuck your mom
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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