Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
