He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I supernannyed him into submission
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
