if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize