textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
