the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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