My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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