It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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