The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
