someone threw a dead crab at me
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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