So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
