i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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