Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
