so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
