I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
