News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
