Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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