How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
