I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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