My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
