Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
