New invention idea: vibrating tampons
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
