just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
