She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
