New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
