I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
