does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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