I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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