Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize