Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
