I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
