our cab driver is having phone sex.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
