My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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